MY BAD HABIT

I don't know many people who could honestly tell you about a bad habit they have unless it is so visible it is a bad habit like smoking or drinking in excess or being abusive. Those to me are clearly bad habits; some would even go as far as calling them diseases. When I zero in on myself, I notice that I don't have a clear-cut lousy habit like any of those. I mean, I smoke weed in moderation and would never call that a bad habit, but then again some would. I curse when I feel appropriate or to enhance the funny moment in the company that can appreciate the gesture. 

These ordinary things one could be chalked up as bad habits. Yet I count that having a bad habit like those to not having an addictive personality. I mean, I really don't and whether or not that is a real thing I view it as such because I have never clung to anything that I felt I couldn't live without. I'm not saying this to brag, but I think it is accurate and something that makes me unique. 

For example, I remember smoking cigarettes, or at least trying them on several occasions, mainly out of trying to seem cool or trying to fit in with a crowd, but it never stuck. I drink, and I love working new drink mixes, but I've never turned to drink to lighten my day or boost my spirits.  

To really get to the heart of this question, I feel I got to take you back to grade school, where I clearly remember a parent-teacher conference where the teacher told my parents I needed to talk more. I wasn't expressing myself enough. Through the years in some way or another, I have heard the statement from people who knew me, but not well enough to put that label on me. In a way, I feel I am expressive with those who allow me to express myself in the way I see fit. If an explicative here and there is a pain to your ears, then maybe you are not the type to fully understand me and where I am coming from. 

I'll try to go even further with this point and talk about an apparent bad habit I may have. Maybe this talking would lead me to speak about my mode of being quick to resenting someone after having wronged me in some way. I'm not quite sure how the process of resentment develops. How it works in me is that when I feel I open up making an effort to show who I am and how I talk with someone. And rather than excepting me or allowing me my point of view to stand, they want to correct me, teach me how I am wrong, and possibly unwittingly this shoots me down from wanting to share with them. I would not piss on them if they were on fire; it is that intense in me. 

I feel this because I've learned how to move around people. People, in general, are not themselves. And when I think I give people the gift of being themselves even at the cost of me being quiet or not sharing letting them run their mouth about what they feel I think I deserve the same, yet too many times I don't get it, and that fires me up, and the resentment comes in. Whether or not this is a "bad habit," I can't honestly say. So as I break down my own psychology, I feel there are better ways I can deal with this, but as for bad habits, that might be the closest I'll get and probably something to work on.